The Chronicles of Team Seven
by denytheworld
Summary: The real reason Kakashi took on a genin team and actually passed them. This is when I wish the Genre list had 'crack' listed.
1. Minions

1873

This story was inspired by the plot bunny by Kirin-Saga found in the Naruto Plot Bunny Orphanage.

1873. "Kakashi, they're _students, not _minions."

Sandaime should've known something was wrong when Kakashi had asked for a team of minions.

Sandaime had been practicing his calligraphy, when the twin oak doors that hid the rest of the world from his office was slammed open. Sandaime inhaled sharply, and looked down at the spilled ink distastefully, assessing the damage—it could be fixed—before addressing the evil invader from hell.

"Hello, _Kakashi_."

As if he didn't notice his sensei's sensei's, sensei's distaste for his presence, Kakashi walked in breezily, and slammed the door shut, equally loudly. This time, Sandaime dropped his brush onto the crisp scroll. The chances of him fixing this scroll was slim to none now.

"I want minions."

Sandaime was in no mood for the Fourth's pet prodigy. "Minions. What will you do with said minions, Kakashi?"

"Well, I'll train them, and then, I'll have them attack, bind, and gag Gai. Then they will throw him into a closet, where he will never disturb me again." Kakashi explained, as if plotting to assault his fellow Jounin was a regular day-to-day occurrence, and that revealing his plot to the _Hokage_—the one who was in charge—was a good idea as well. "I've been planning this out for quite some time now. What do you think?"

Humoring the strange silver haired Jounin, Sandaime said kindly, "Well, where will you find minions to ambush Gai?"

In all seriousness, Kakashi replied, "Iruka told me that there are a batch of graduating genins ready for Jounin senseis."

Sandaime's jaw slackened, and his pipe almost dropped to the ground and into his ink well, if not for Kakashi's fast reflexes, catching it just in time. "Ahem, thank you Kakashi."

"No problem. Now, about my minions. I want that Uchiha kid."

Sandaime sputtered and almost dropped his pipe again, and again, Kakashi caught it. "You really need to work on your reflexes, Sandaime-sama." Kakashi said reproachfully. "Now, and I also want Minato-sensei's cute little spawn, Naruto-kun."

"Kakashi, you may be a fully qualified Jounin, but I can't let you have a squadron just yet."

"Why not?"

_Because you're stark raving mad! That's why! _"You've rejected all the other teams I've tried to assign to you. Why have you decided to have one now?"

Kakashi crossed his arms, and sighed huffily, much like a little boy who had been denied his treat would. "Weren't you _listening _to me at _all?_"

"You can't be serious." Sandaime said disbelievingly. "Did Gai put you up to this? He must've found out that you rejected another squadron and challenged that his squadron is better than yours! Kakashi, don't—"

"Damn. I forgot about his squadron. Whatever, I'm sure I can train my minions to take down his minions soon enough."

"Kakashi! You can't just sic genins on one another! You can't be serious!"

"I am. Now, it's either you assign me that Uchiha kid, and Minato-sensei's son as my new minions, or I'm going to recruit Anko, and Genma to take down those puny genins, so I can shut Gai for up a few weeks."

"But there are—" Sandaime sighed, "Forget it! You win, Kakashi! You can have your students!"

"They're minions, Sandaime-sama." Kakashi corrected.

By now, Sandaime was sure that Kakashi had lost all his marbles. "Kakashi, they're _students_, _ not _minions."

"Sure there." Kakashi said dismissively. "Thanks, old man."

"I'll have to add a female student into the mix to make a three-man cell."

"That's fine. How about that Yamanaka girl? I'm sure she'll be useful with her family's mind techniques."

"Um…Asuma already came by earlier and staked out on the InoShikaCho group." Sandaime lied creatively. It was for the sake of Gai's safety that he was lying anyways.

"How about that Hyuuga girl?" Kakashi asked. Sandaime twitched. He sure did his homework before coming to him. "I'm sure the Byakugan will be useful."

"I'm assigning Haruno Sakura to you."

Kakashi groaned. "Not that thing!"

"Haruno Sakura is _not _a thing. Your students are _not minions_. And **don't give me that look, Kakashi!**"

"Fine." Kakashi pouted. "I'll find something for her to do. Maybe she can distract one of Gai's minions, and then Uchiha, Minato Jr. and I can swoop in for the kill. Maybe she _will _be good for something…"

Sandaime sighed, "Get out of my office, Kakashi."

"Okay. Thanks again, old man! I'll be expecting my minions to be delivered to my doorstep in about…two weeks."

"THEY'RE STUDENTS, KAKASHI!"

Sometimes, Sandaime really regretted becoming Hokage.


	2. Pick Up, Not Delivery!

Follow Up to Minions

In which Kakashi learns, it's pick up, not delivery.

They were late.

He was going to give them hell for this, Kakashi vowed. No one makes Hatake Kakashi wait. It was really rude. Not for the first time that morning, Kakashi eyed the clock with distaste. It was 9: 49 AM. They should've been here almost two hours ago. This was inexcusable.

He was their squadron leader, and they were his minions. "The first thing I'll teach them will be obedience." Kakashi snapped out loud. When they are ordered to arrive promptly at eight o'clock, they should arrive promptly at eight o'clock! He silently despaired at ever training them into efficient minions if they couldn't even follow the simplest of instructions.

For the third time since nine struck, Kakashi wondered idly if he should go to the Academy and check with Iruka. Maybe he didn't get the note that he had changed addresses? Maybe his minions were delivered to his old address? That would be awful. His former landlord was not one to be trifled with. Kakashi shrugged, he'll wait a little longer before he goes to the Academy to check up on his minions.

Snuggling into his comfortably worn couch, Kakashi pulled out the orange book that was infamous amongst his friends, and relaxed…

---

It was almost noon. Kakashi twitched. Enough was enough. He was a normally very patient and understanding man. But that fucking Academy screwed with him for the very last time. He ordered minions, he promised to train them, and what?! No minions! If this was how the Academy conducted their business, he'll have to take his business elsewhere!

Steaming, Kakashi promptly jumped out of his balcony and onto the nearby roof, intent on going to the Academy and giving them a piece of his mind.

Iruka was busy doing paperwork—there was always paperwork for him to do—and didn't even look up when the door swung open to reveal a pissed off Kakashi. "Hello, Kakashi-san. How did the orientation go?"

"They didn't show up." Kakashi simply spat.

Iruka looked up. "What do you mean they didn't show up?" Iruka asked incredulously. "I saw all of them this morning! What—oh don't tell me, you didn't come pick them up! I bet they're still in room 34 waiting for you!" Iruka said accusatorily.

"What the hell, Iruka! I didn't order for a pick-up!" Kakashi shot back defensively.

"The Academy is not a pizza place, Kakashi." Iruka said tiredly, "We don't deliver students to your doorstep."

"Could've _fooled _me." Kakashi ground out, speeding past Iruka and down the hallways in search for his minions. The idiots didn't even bother to question why their squadron leader was MIA for over three hours. With despair hanging heavily over him, Kakashi located the room and stepped in.

_Plop!_

He felt something plop onto his head, and spotted a small blond kid guffaw helplessly on the ground. Immediately, Kakashi felt the need to strangle the life out of the brat. He chuckled darkly. Maybe vengeance on Gai wasn't worth all this trouble…

"YOU'RE LATE!" The blond one finally got around to shouting.

Kakashi eyed him distastefully. _This _brat is his sensei's precious spawn? "Actually, _you're _late." Before any of them could say anything, he continued on, "I can safely say that I hate each and every single one of you weaklings." Kakashi snarled. "Follow me."


	3. The First Meeting

After their disastrous meeting, Kakashi introduces the bells…

"Okay…let's get started." Kakashi muttered to himself, before looking at the three pathetic weaklings in front of him with some semblance of despair. How in the world was he going to turn the three of them into cold killers? "I'm your squadron leader from now on, Hatake Kakashi. You three are supposedly the _ideal _team for me."

Fucking Sandaime, Kakashi cursed silently. This really wasn't going as well as he hoped. For one, the three didn't even have any idea how to _kill _something.

Kakashi continued his monologue, "Haruno Sakura, Uchiha Sasuke, and Uzumaki Naruto, despite what Sandaime may say about you three, I have already made my own assessment of your personalities," Sakura looked at him dubiously, "your few strengths, and many weaknesses," Sasuke and Naruto looked ready to kill him – it pleased Kakashi more than it should. "I can safely say that our further association as squadron leader and squadron members will be disastrous. As a matter of fact," Kakashi sighed melodramatically, "I hate teaching and I also hate you."

"Well!" Sakura snapped, "If you hate teaching so much, why on earth did you sign yourself up for a squad?!"

"Well, funny thing you should ask." Kakashi smirked. "I had wanted to ambush another Jounin, all for fun of course, named Maito Gai. He's annoying and loud and wouldn't leave me the hell alone. Unfortunately, that asshole just _had _to have a genin squad for me to get through. And despite what you all probably think, I won't singlehandedly destroy three genins for the sake of getting to an asshole."

Sakura brightened and thought weakly, maybe learning from this guy won't be as bad as I thought…

"That's why I need to have a three man cell as well, so _they _can do it for me. Are you following me so far?"

Sakura's optimistic feelings immediately dimmed. She was in deep water wasn't she? Why did she decide to be a ninja anyways? She thought bitterly. She was better off going to a civilian school and learning how to make atomic bombs or something…

"I originally intended to take Uchiha Sasuke, Uzumaki Naruto, and Hyuuga Hinata and turn them into monsters and set them upon the unsuspecting genin squad. There. That's why I'm teaching."

"What do you _mean_, Hinata?!" Sakura demanded hotly. Why was she here then?

"Then maybe Yamanaka Ino." Kakashi answered easily. He then glowered at what seemed to be nothing. "But of course, I can't have everything my way, and now we're stuck with you. The booksmart Haruno Sakura."

"I don't care." Naruto declared loudly, crossing his arms. "I'm still up for training and kicking ass!"

"That's the spirit, Uzumaki!" Kakashi chuckled jovially. "But unfortunately, that team you're going to face are superior to every single one of you, in every manner possible. It's going to take me ages to whip any of you into shape."

"I highly doubt that." Sasuke sniffed. "Let's get this over with. But after this, you better teach us something worthwhile."

"Yeah, yeah, Mr. Confident." Kakashi said dismissively. "You'll be singing a different tune when they trounce you. Even TenTen can take all three of you, and she's the weakest of the three."

"Just shut up and get to the point!" Naruto shouted. He was sick and tired of this prick talking down to them. It's not like Sakura could take any more abuse as it is.

"Fine!" Kakashi huffed, and pulled out a chalkboard, and drew four circles and four triangles. "WE are the circles. THEY are the triangles. We approach like this…" With concise strokes, four lines were drawn out. "Sakura, you take TenTen and hopefully, she won't make a pincushion out of you. Neji will be yours, Sasuke. And you can take Lee, Naruto. Now, then you have to lead them away like this, and then this, and this, and this and this." The three watched in awe as the seemingly simple plan grew…and grew…and grew. "But then, in the end, _this_—"

"I'm lost." Naruto admitted. Kakashi stopped with his fanatical sketching, and looked up at the three clueless genins.

He clucked his tongue disapprovingly. "Haven't _any _of you been taught anything?! These are simple Chuunin procedures! What's wrong with the three of you?"

"We're genin, not Chuunin!" Naruto shot back huffily. Belatedly, Kakashi realized that these three punks were raised in times of peace. Nothing encouraged a child to learn than the threat of a kunai to the face…but then again…

"Well, pay attention, and you just might _learn _something." Kakashi shot back venomously before continuing on, "And _here_—"

"But—but sensei!" Sakura protested, "We haven't _learned _anything of these procedures yet!"

Kakashi turned around stiffly, giving her the evil eye. In a dangerous voice, he hissed, "And what are you saying here?"

Immediately shrinking back, Sakura tried to hide behind her teammates. "Can't we try something easier?"

Kakashi sighed. "Fine." He slowly reached into his kunai pouch with exaggerated actions. "Allow me to show you one of the most dangerous weapons I possess to ward off genins such as yourself." Immediately, the words 'dangerous' sparked the boys' interest. Sitting up, Naruto and Sasuke watched the older man with interest, and the looks of disappointment on their faces almost made Kakashi laugh out in diabolical glee. Those brats won't have any idea what hit them! "Behold!" Kakashi exclaimed in mock grandeur as he brandished a pair of bells before them.

Sasuke scoffed, "What can a pair of bells possibly do?"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Naruto chimed in scornfully. "What can a pair of bells do to us?!"

"Well, _these _bells have the power to push you right back for another year at the academy." Kakashi drawled tiredly. "So what do you say, children? Ready to give it a go?"

Kakashi was shaking with barely controlled laughter as he watched them talk confidently amongst themselves. Those little shits have no idea what's in store for them.


End file.
